Roll on Four Wheeled Malibu

This is likely to be an aimless post, so I apologize in advance.

Tuesday I had a meeting in Columbus. That would be in Ohio. I live in Michigan (just in case that was not clear). I was not feeling up to the hotel stay this time so I had the very bright and ambitious idea that I would get up really early and drive to Columbus, attend the meeting and then drive home. Thus my trip did not require me to pack my make-up, my blow-dryer, my very expensive and prone to wrinkling business attire, two pairs of dress shoes, 6 pairs of underwear (because that is how many I take for one night), pajamas, two pairs of socks, my running shoes, my ipod, and the charger for my cell phone, my ipod, my gps and my vibrator.

I’m kidding about the vibrator. I was seeing if you are paying attention. My vibrator does not have a charger. It takes batteries.

Back to the meeting in Columbus. I got up at 3:30. Well, wait, lets back up. I woke up at 2 with a splitting headache, got up took some Advil, went back to sleep and then got up again at 3:30 and left my house at 4:20. The drive to Columbus is about 3 ½ hours, but with rush hour traffic in Columbus, it took me about 4. I was actually pretty impressed with myself as I was able to drink my entire travel mug of coffee and I never had to stop and pee.

So, I got there about 8. Did I mention it was pouring rain almost the entire drive? The meeting was from 9-4. I left Columbus at 4:20 and drove the 3 ½ hours home putting me home about 8:30 (I had to stop to grab some dinner, I was starving). I did pretty well with the help of a book on CD that I purchased at Barnes and Noble the day before and which I have only made it about halfway through but which I am enjoying immensely. The book is Eat, Pray, Love. I only made it to the beginning of Pray.

Yesterday I felt like I had been run over by a truck. Apparently I am not cut out for 17 hour days where I am sitting stationary for 95% of it. Or maybe just 17 hours days in general? I don’t know, but yesterday sucked. I was so cranky and I wanted to beat some ones ass. My husband and my step-son both got to be the lucky recipients of a verbal beating (not that maybe they did not deserve it, but usually I am more diplomatic).

Anyway, today it is back in the saddle. I wanted to post something profound, maybe some poetry which has been parading through my head the past couple days but which always manages to escape when I sit down to type it out.

Oh this oppressive rain. It won’t stop and I miss the sun. It is May 13 for crikey’s sake, shouldn’t the April showers have moved on their way by now? I have some really cute sandals that are begging to be worn.

In other news, Saturday will mark the 8 year anniversary of employment with my current company. My professional life is officially stagnant.

But I do get 3 weeks of vacation.

Kids and work haikus (harder than you think)

Made kids wash dishes
They are whining about it
Have no sympathy

Sitting at my desk
My oatmeal tastes like soap
I’ll eat it anyway

Long drive in today
Feel like I live in my car
Lottery ticket?

I have a meeting
The 17th one this week
Such a waste of time

What!? I'm a Secretary?

Today is Administrative Professional Day. I realized this last night about 6:30 which required an emergency trip to Bath and Body Works to get gifts for my two assistants and Dave’s assistant. I don’t really like Bath and Body Works, but in the town I live in, there aren’t a lot of options at 7:30 on a weeknight that doesn’t require driving 25 minutes. I would rather have gotten gift certificates for a swanky restaurant or an upscale store at the mall, but I did manage to scrape together some decent gifts from the old BBW.

(Sidenote: My senior year of college, I worked at the Bath and Body Works in the Mounds Mall. On my breaks, I used to eat the hell out of the pepperoni breadsticks at Luca Pizza along with a giant cherry coke and I wonder why I was fat in college.)

So I got the gifts and was dismayed to discover that the only Hallmark store in town has gone belly up and was boarded up. So I had to run to Kohl’s to find gift bags to wrap the decent gifts I managed to scrape up from the BBW. I was happy to discover that Kohl’s entire gift bag stock has been marked down 50%, but worried that means they won’t be carrying gift wrap anymore. Where the frick am I going to buy wrapping paper now? Might this require me to actually plan ahead when gift giving? That might be a problem for me.

All the running around for Administrative Professionals Day caused an involuntary trip down memory lane. Please come with me to a time approximately 12 years ago. I had graduated from college with a Bachelor’s degree in English and a minor in writing. I was aimless and unfocused and had no idea what sort of career I should pursue or even what I wanted. I was 22 years old and after some long painful months of unemployment, I landed a job at USA TODAY. Now you would think based on my degree that I would be doing some sort of writing or something that anything to do with that, but no. No, I my position was titled “Customer Service Associate” or “Customer Service Coordinator” or something like that. I was taking phone calls from home delivery customers who had complaints about their service along with a sundry of other office related tasks. It wasn’t exactly my dream job, but since I wasn’t really quite sure what my dream job was, I went with it.

12 years ago Administrative Professionals Day was known by a different name. You might remember it. It was called Secretary’s Day. Okay, to recap, it is 12 years ago. I am working at USA TODAY. I have a degree but no direction. I started there in March and it is now April. 12 years ago. I am about 22 years old. I don’t like my job and am dealing with the letdown of clawing my way through 4 years of college only to find that I feel even more aimless than when I started only now I am $15,000 in debt with student loans and I making about $11/hr. Oh and I was driving a purple Ford Escort (a color I did not pick out but that is another story). It is Secretary’s Day and I come to work to find that I have been given flowers. Because I am a secretary. I didn’t know I was a secretary until that day and I called my mom blubbering. Oh my God, if I could travel back in time and slap that little girl upside the head. I would have told her to quit that fucking job and go find something that she loved to do and do it. I also would have told her to stay away from that guy (you know what guy I’m talking about).

That was not a good day. And now you know way too much about me.

Your Life, My Life, A Reminder

This drawing has been hanging in my cubicle since I quit my first real job almost 9 years ago. Many of you will remember that I was in the midst of a personal crisis and quitting that job, while a very uncomfortable proposition, was a necessity. As much as I wanted to stay in my comfort zone, I knew that I had to go. It was the most painful transition of my life.

But as it turned out, quitting that job turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made. I could never have imagined at the time how well things would turn out for me in terms of my career and my personal life.

I found myself gazing at this drawing this morning and I realized that while I have been staring at it for 9 years, I have stopped seeing it. It is time to move forward, stop looking back and hanging on with desperation to something that is no longer an option. It's uncomfortable and scary, but as in the past, a necessity.

Work (Again)

What am I doing right now? The literal answer to that questions is:

I’m sitting at my desk. It is 8:25 a.m. and I am trying to get my day started. There is a space heater buzzing under my desk keeping me feet warm and I don’t know how I would survive without it. It’s pretty quiet in the office still. While I check my e-mail and the morning news, my tiny desk radio is next to me broadcasting my favorite morning show and at the moment I started to type this post it was playing a McDonald’s commercial that is on every morning and it just occurred to me that I am so sick of hearing it. But if I shut the radio off, it is too quiet and I get edgy. I need something to distract me from where I am and what I am doing (literally).

What is on my agenda today? Spreadsheets, numbers, revenue forecasts, spreadsheets, forms, numbers, spreadsheets, well, you get the picture, right? Hey, at least I don’t have any meetings today, that is a rarity. So that brings me round to my original question, in a slightly different form.

What the fuck am I doing? (Sorry I hope you are not terribly offended by profanity, and if you are, you probably would not like me very much.)

Okay, what I am saying to myself is in response to my question is, “Quit whining, bitch, and either deal with the career you have made for yourself. Or change it.”

So, I am going to change it.

More to follow.

Not so excited about January so far

This month hasn't been the greatest so far. With our vacation and the holidays in December, I felt like I worked part-time (probably because I basically did work part-time).

So when January started, I told myself it was back to the grind time. I was meal-planning a week at a time, getting back into the groove at work, keeping the house clean. I was refreshed from having so much time off last month.

But of course, it only took me about 1 week to remember why I hate my job. And then I got called for Jury Duty. And then my grandma got really really sick and I had to drive 3 hours one way in a blizzard so I could see her before she passed. And then she didn't pass (but it has been touch and go and I am convinced that doctors know nothing) and I got stuck on two (yes two) jury trials that I have to go back for at the end of the month.

Then yesterday was Dave's birthday, but my boss (who is never in town) was in town and I had a bunch of meetings so I didn't get home until later than I wanted to. And we were supposed to go out for a very nice dinner tonight and my mom called me this morning to tell me that my grandma is indeed dying and they don't expect her to make it through the weekend. So dinner is cancelled and I feel terrible.

And then I started thinking of everything that is on my plate at work this coming week and I figure I am going to be out at least 1 or 2 days for the funeral and there is this huge meeting where a bunch of people are flying in and what if I have to miss it. I know you are probably thinking, who cares about work when there are family issues to be tended to? And that is mostly how I feel, but honestly I have been so unengaged at work that I was already feeling guilty about it so while I could care less about missing the meeting, I feel guilty about not caring. Does that even make sense?

I really am over January. Really. And it is only the 16th.

A Glorious Tribute to all Countries, but mostly America

We’re back from vacation (of course) and Christmas is over (double of course), and I am back to work this week (balls).

Can I complain about my health insurance for a minute?

I pay about $200 each pay period for health insurance, that is $400 a month to cover myself, Dave and the two kids. Then, every time we go to the doctor, it costs a $15-20 co-pay for the office visit and if there is any medical procedure that needs to be performed, that isn’t covered until we satisfy the annual deductible (which is $1500 per person or $4500 for the family if we go to doctors that are in their network. If we go to doctors that are out of the network then the deductible goes up to $2500 and $7500). Beyond that, prescription coverage is really hard to figure out because they have this really complicated chart that divides drugs into “tiers” and then assigns the percentage of coverage based on the tier the drug falls into and also takes into account if there is a generic version available. If there is a generic, you have to get that or they won’t cover it at all.

I think our plan is considered to be one of the better plans. I work for a large global corporation and I think the payroll deduction is also on the lower end of things.

Thankfully, we are a pretty healthy family. But just to give you a taste, Dave had a little cyst that had to be removed and biopsied this year. He was at the doctor’s office a total of approximately 30 minutes. The actual procedure took about 10 minutes from the time they numbed it to the time they stitched it. That cost me over $300 because I had to pay the doctor for the procedure, the office visit co-pay and then I had to pay for the lab to perform the biopsy.

As I said, we are, thankfully, a pretty healthy family, so the doctor’s visits are pretty minimal. We really don’t go to the doctor much (like probably 1-2 visits each per year and those are mostly well visits). However, I’m sure I have mentioned before that I am a lifetime insomniac. I have tried everything from meditation to medication for this and it has always been a struggle. And with the stress work has been giving me, it has gotten so much worse. I have a hard time falling asleep (if I fall asleep an hour after I get in bed, that is pretty good) and when I do fall asleep I wake up about every hour to hour and a half. I have tried a couple of different medications and they work for a while and then stop. Until I started taking Ambien CR. That has worked consistently for a couple years now. I only take it during the week, and I don’t abuse it. I have never taken more than one pill in a 24 hour period. I fall asleep when I get in bed and usually stay asleep until at least 3am, sometimes even later. It is the best I have slept in years and it costs me about $40-50 a month for the prescription. That is a 30 day supply and I can stretch it to last me at least 6 weeks or more.

So can I live without Ambien? Yes. But it sure has taken one stress out of my life.

My company held their open enrollment in October (where you choose your health plan for the next year). This is also the time when you can decide if you want to contribute to the health care spending account (money held from your paycheck pre-taxed that you can use for health care related expenses). I opted not to use the spending account this year because, as I said, we don’t go to the dr much and it is a pain to track.

So last week I got a letter from the insurance company that they are no longer covering Ambien CR. There is no generic version so if I want to continue taking it, I have to pay cash. I looked around and I don’t think I can get a 30 day supply for less than $160ish. Kiss my ass.

So I pay every paycheck for my health insurance that I pretty much never have a claim against and then the one thing I do use it for and they decide they just aren’t going to cover it anymore. It really pisses me off. If I had known they were going to do that, I would have looked in the changing to a high deductible plan because we really just need to be covered if something catastrophic happens, I’m paying out of my pocket for everything else anyway. Or, I would have at least put some money in the spending account for it, but it is too late now.

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate that I have insurance and will be covered if one of us gets really sick, but gees, what if one of us does get really sick and then the insurance company decides that they don’t want to cover the prescribed treatment? I guess that is their choice and they can do whatever they want.

Other things they don’t cover: Fertility treatments of any sort and counseling. So basically anything I might want to utilize.

But hey, if I gain 150 lbs, become a diabetic and start abusing alcohol and drugs, well, all those treatments are covered. So I guess I just have the wrong ailments.

A Bright Spot

Today I got to surprise a few of my employees with end of the year bonuses that were somewhat unexpected. Finally I got to call someone into an office and give them some good news. It made me smile and I haven't been doing much of that around here lately.

Dish Therapy

I'm in a rut and I desperately need to pull myself out. I spend too much time at work and not enough time at home and the time I do spend at home feels very unproductive (and now that I mention it, the time at work also feels unproductive). It seems like I'm always just "calling it in." I feel run down and I don't have a lot of energy. I'm not exercising at all, have all but totally abandoned yoga, we've been eating out way too much and my sugar intake has spiked again. I feel like I spend every week just trying to get to the weekend and then every weekend trying to catch up to start another week (which I never do get caught up). For the most part, I stay on top of the laundry, no one can complain that they ever run out of underwear. I hired someone to clean the house about a year ago which was one of the best decisions I ever made, so the house stays pretty clean, but I still have to straighten. However, I never get to much else beyond the basics. Meaning, the drawers and closets never get cleaned out. So the house looks relatively tidy on the surface, but if you look in the closets, under the beds, etc., it is a cluttery mess. I know if I force myself to attend a couple yoga classes and watch what I eat for a couple days, that will help tremendously. I just need to find the will to do it.

But enough of my depressing doom and gloom. Let's talk about dishes.

Yes. Dishes.

I have spoken before of my love of bowls and platters and the like. The dishes I registered for when I got married were the exact same dishes I had in my condo when I was single, just in a different color. Fiestaware. From God. I went from cobalt blue and some sort of maroon (I can't remember the name now) to scarlet red. I love red, it is so bright and cheery and so versatile. There are a thousand different shades of red.

About a year ago, I decided we needed cereal bowls because the bowls that come in the 5 piece fiestaware setting are too shallow and we always spill milk from them. I wanted some nice deep bowls for cereal. So, one day, while fooling myself into thinking that I am frugal, I purchased some cheap red bowls from Kohl's for a couple bucks a piece. They were almost exactly the same color as my fiestaware so I told myself they would do. It turns out when chipped, these bowls are white underneath. A white chip really stands out on a bright red bowl. I don't know if the fiestaware is white underneath too because none of them have ever chipped. The kids are hard on my dishes and these cheap bowls are getting more and more chipped as the days go by.

A couple weekends ago I found myself back at Kohl's and what do you know, Fiestaware is on sale. 40% off Yes! Just the excuse I need to rid myself forever from my cheap chipped bowls. I loaded up the cart with 6 beautiful deep scarlet red 24oz Fiestawarebowls and I bought them.

And I started to think, of course this was after my credit card swiped through the machine. Why am I buying all red? Fiestaware comes in a rainbow of gorgeous and bright colors. Why just stick with scarlet red? So I left the bowls in my car and last weekend I went back to Kohl's and exchanged some of the red ones for other colors. Yellow, blue, teal and red. I have a rainbow in my kitchen and they make me feel happier every time I open my cupboard and see them in there.

Now I'm thinking how that yellow in a dinner plate would look like the sun just sitting there on my table........

all the news that's fit to print

Today I did something I should have done last Friday and took the day off. It has been increasingly hard for me to get out of bed and make myself go through the morning ritual. I am becoming much too familiar with my snooze button than is appropriate and yesterday I some things slide that I really shouldn't. I could tell if I did not do this that I would be coming down with a terrible cold or flu very soon.

Usually, I try not to take days off when the kids have school because I still have to get up to prod them along, but today I did not care. I slept in until 7 which was good enough for me and I dozed off while watching Paula Deen so I missed her making chocolate bread pudding and woke up just in time to see her taking it out of the oven. Oh well, I don't usually make her recipes because she uses too much butter.

In other news, I am still not a fan of my job and now that the horrifying reality of what happened last week is starting to sink in and the shock is starting to wear off, I have realized that #1 I have gotten very little done in the last 6 days, and #2 WTF am I going to do without the people I had to let go? I have fielded several employee phone calls asking my why/how did I choose and various variations of that question. Everyone is worried about their own jobs and their workload, myself included.

I'm supposed to be going to visit Mandy (you have to call her Miranda) next weekend and in a cruel twist of fate flights to that side of the country have skyrocketed and now I don't know if I am going to be able to go. That makes me mad.

I am very unsure of my new boss. He does not work out of my office and is in fact 4 hours away. I can't get a read on him. I feel inadequate as the lone woman in a group of all men (I'm not kidding - I am the only woman) and on the other hand that makes me feel quite proud of myself. The youngest person on the team, the only woman, and with a liberal arts education and English/Writing in a group of engineers. What am I doing? I am a chameleon, that's what I am.

I have been watching Food Network a lot lately as it suddenly occurred to me that we have a DVR that is only ever used to record endless episodes of South Park and various History Channel specials. I am a food nerd and I love Iron Chef America. Since it is on at 10, I never watch it. So I've been recording it and watching it at my leisure. It makes me a little sad. I wanted to be chef. I wanted to go to culinary school and I think I would have made a fine chef and that quite possibly that may have been a profession I could get excited about. I'm not a big one for regrets, but this is a regret that frequently crosses my mind (more now than ever before). People say, "do it now" but I don't know if I would have the heart now. Perhaps I would. Who knows?

Complainy McComplainerson

Have you ever heard the saying "10% of the people do 90% of the work"? I feel like that is me lately. It seems like, at my company, the reward for being a hard worker and gettin it done is more work. Yay! My husband once said to me that it is important to manage your employees and make sure you are holding everyone accountable because it is very bad for morale to pile on your performers and allow others to be slackers. This concept is really being driven home with me right now because that is what is happening to me. I almost cried in front of my boss this morning (a huge no no) and had to bite on my tongue until it bled to make myself stop. It was the closest I have ever come to crying in front of him.

In other news, my husband has contracted my cold and in an attempt to ward it off has been eating whole raw garlic cloves. Do I really need to say anymore about that?

Random Thoughts on me Drive to Work

(Sorry, I've been watching too much SpongeBob and I think I'm Mr.. Crabs.)

I turned off the talk radio this morning and turned on the XM/Sirius 80's station. I realize now how much more my wind can wander and unwind when I am listening to music instead of a talk show host tell me how f'd up the country is.

Am I the only one who is totally transported back to my youth when I listen to the music from it? I also realized this morning how stupid the lyrics are to a lot of 80's songs. For instance, this morning I got to hear "Every Rose has it's Thorn" by Poison. Ah, Poison. I thought they were girls the first time I saw them and even when I realized they were actually men, I was still jealous of their complexion and make-up jobs. Anyway, one of the lines in that song is, "Every rose has it's thorn, just like every night has it's dawn." So are they vampires? Because I thought a thorn was a bad thing and a dawn after a long dark night was a good thing. So how are those two things alike?

Then I heard, "Straight Up" by Paula Abdul. Sweet! I loved that song when I was 14. But what about the line, "Straight up now tell me are you gonna love me forever? Or am I caught up in a hit and run"? Right. I guess I understand what a hit and run is.

While I was pondering the 80's and my youth, I came to a stop light. I have to travel about 8 miles on a residential but busy two lane road with many stop lights along the way (about half my drive), it's actually kind of nice. I like to see houses on my way to work instead of billboards. This is actually the long way, but I prefer it over the expressway. So I was sitting at the light and I see this boy, probably about 11 years old (I'm guessing based on my limited knowledge of children), and he is riding his bike across the busy road. He's smart enough to cross with the light and he's wearing a helmet, but he is obviously on his way to school, he had his backpack on his back. But for some reason it made me sad. Probably because I struggle everyday with the fact that my kids have parents (all four of us) who work and I feel guilty. They come home to an empty house at least twice a week and when they go to their mom's house she mostly lets the tv babysit them. But that being said, they never have to get themselves off to school in the morning. Sam gets driven to the bus stop and Becca's bus stop is right in front of our house and either myself, Dave or his mom or my dad is always there to see her off. I don't think I could put my little boy on his bike and send down a busy street to school.

Now I understand that there may be a lot more to the story then what I perceive just from seeing the kid riding him bike down the street, but that is the reaction I had to it.

Okay, so I kept driving after seeing the little boy on his bike and I continued to jam to the 80's station. My mind wandered to such topics as Aqua Net hairspray, braces, jelly bracelets, jelly shoes and Madonna (The boy toy Madonna). Then I looked down and realized that I was almost out of gas. I stopped for gas, leaked it all over my hands, whoops and then came to work to find out that there was yet another round of layoffs going on. This involved two people that I have worked with since I started here 7 years ago (one of which has 5 kids).

I'm sad. Again.

You couldn't pay me enough to go back to being 14, except when I hear Bruce Springsteen singing Glory Days.

I'm not dead. Here's the short version.

We have been laying people off at work. It has been sucky.

Dave and I have been experiencing some trials and tribulations of late (see secret blog that does not exist yet). We're okay but it's been sucky too.

Saturday we are leaving for a week in Arizona. Much needed for our mental sanity, our relationship, and our pasty white skin.

On a spiritual note, not to be too cheesy but even with all of the above going on, I have felt the most at peace with my life that I have felt in years.

I want to expound on these things, but there is neither the time nor the will right now.

On a lighter note, I finally got my passport and the picture is worse then my drivers license. I look like Fred Flintstone, my head and face take up most of the picture. I'm pretty sure you cannot get a passport picture retaken just because you think you look stupid.

Hmmmm.

Need More Time

No. Time. To. Blog.

My day in 60 seconds or less.

Got up late. Damn the spring forward.
Got to work late. Got blindsided by boss telling me I suddenly am required to have 6 certifications I do not currently have. Suddenly as in never discussed before this day and needing to be achieved by the end of the year. Hmmm, I told him to demote me. Please demote me is how I put it I think.
Tried to get husband to meet for lunch - he was too busy to leave office and I had to be back early for a conference call so that was a no go. I cried a couple little tears of frustration, bucked up and finished the day. If I had any energy now I would update my resume.
Small people that live in my house are upstairs asking me to tuck them and are fighting over who gets to sleep with the dog tonight. I have to go. More tomorrow. Good night.

PS I love the fact that I can see my grass - even if it is brown still.

GUESS WHERE I AM

Bet you can't guess.

Go ahead.

Guess.

Give?

I'm sitting in a hotel room in Columbus, OH. By myself.

So much for being a stubborn bitch. I caved to the threat of ice and snow. I thought getting up at 4am and driving 200+ miles might be kind of sucky. And, since my real drive to work can stretch, in bad weather, from 45 minutes to 2 1/2 hours, well, you do the math.

But I didn't tell any of the boys I was coming so I didn't have to go to dinner with them and instead when I got here I took myself to the big old mall across the street which is where I feel most at home when I'm not at my real home.

Now I'm watching an E True Hollywood Story on Jenna Jameson. I guess my job could be worse.

I'm sleepy and grossed out because I forgot to bring any Clorox wipes for the TV remote.

Good Night.

Tying it Up

Thank you for the kind comments about my stupid job. I really appreciate someone telling me that I am not just a whiner who must be lazy because I don't want to spend every waking hour at work.

I have actually not been to work since last Thursday afternoon when the flu started. I had the last three working days scheduled as vacation because of the kids winter break. Turned out to be a much needed break for me too. That doesn't mean that I am not crying right now because I have to go back tomorrow morning and start it all over again.

I also found out that I have to go to Columbus, OH for another meeting all day on Thursday. I am leaving Thursday morning and driving back Thursday evening, so that should be a fun day. In the company's defense, I could drive down tomorrow night and stay in a hotel, but that would mean 2 things. #1 I would have to go to dinner with all those guys I've been complaining about and I've had enough of them for now. And #2 I just did this last month and I'm not doing it again. I'm a stubborn bitch like that. I might be cutting off my nose to spite me face, but I'm just not up to hotel shit by myself this week.

So, I have decided that something has to give. I'm giving this another month and then I will reassess the situation. Then we'll see. I'm not going to put myself in a mental institution because of my stupid job.

Now on another note. Jro - For a minute I thought that the mayor of San Francisco was commenting on my blog. It was a very exciting moment. Okay, not really, I'm not a big fan of his. I'm glad it was you.

On another note - has anyone every seen View From the Top? I just was remembering it because the used the word "reassess". There is a scene where the Christina Applegate character is reading from the stewardess safety manual and it says to "Assess the situation" but she says, "Asses the situation". And Mike Meyers tells her she put the em-pha-sis on the wrong sy-llable. Ha. I have to see if I can find that clip on YouTube. It was funny.

If you've never seen that movie then you probably think that it's too late for me and I should call the Mental Hospital now.

Or if you have seen that movie, you might think that anyway!

The Reluctant Career Woman

So it turns out that I had the flu. That might be why I was feeling so tired or maybe because I was so tired is why I got the flu. Anyway, this was the worst flu I have had in years. I was actually running a fever and I'm sure I haven't had a fever since I was 12. This flu included the twin joys of the shivering chills and burning up hot flashes, as well as a crippling headache and the seal cough. Oh the joys of having kiddies in the house. I know they brought this home to me.

I had scheduled Friday off as a vacation day, but ended up spending it on the couch. Becca, was feeling back to normal and of course she couldn't understand why I didn't want to play with and entertain her. (The kids are on winter break and didn't have school Friday)

Thankfully, Annie (the original version with Carol Burnett) was one of the free movies being offered On Demand and she had never seen it. I put that on and she was happy and I could lay in misery without interruption for a couple hours. Then her "real" mother came to get her for the weekend and Dave came home from work feeling just as crappy and we spent the rest of the weekend in misery together.

But what I really want to talk about is work and why I think that my getting this flu is just a symptom of my exasperation and exhaustion associated with my "job". I put that in quotes because I think that my employer thinks it should instead be called my "life".

What started all this crap was a conversation I had with my boss about two weeks ago that has been nagging at me and I have been obsessing about ever since. Basically, what happened was that we had a meeting with one of my subordinates that took a lot longer than planned. By that I mean it was scheduled for two hours and it lasted about 8. So around 4:30 we are sitting in the conference room and he (my boss) and he (my subordinate) are dicking around checking their e-mails and some other shit and I am getting ancy because we have not even gotten to the meat of what we are supposed to be talking about.

And so I kind of snapped and said, "Look what are we doing here? Let's go over this stuff because I can't stay here all night."

And my boss said, "Why? Why can't you stay here all night? I stay here all night."

And that is where I break down and cease being able to verbalize this shit. I think it would take me a month of posts to unload everything from my brain into print.

In a nutshell, I work with all men. They all have wives who stay home or only work outside the home part time. They are in that office every second of every day. In fact, sometimes it seems like a competition. They like to talk about it like they are sharing war stories.

“Hey, I was here until midnight last night.”

“Yeah? Well I was in here on Saturday for 12 hours.”

And on and on and on it goes. If I am leaving at 5, they call me part-timer. I hate it. It makes me really mad.

I feel inadequate. I have never felt that way at a job before. But most of the time I brush it off. I use sarcasm which has always been my friend. When they make comments about me leaving “early” I ask them what they are planning to make for dinner. That usually shuts them up or solicits some sort of mumbled answer about how they cook on the weekends (yeah right).

But of late, I have noticed myself spending more time at work and less time at home. Even if I’m doing personal stuff at work, I’m there so they can see that I’m there. I leave my house at 6:50 every morning and usually am not home until 6:00 or later that evening. I feel compelled to check my e-mail at night. It's been bothering me for a while and the conversation with my boss is what pushed me over the edge. So they really think that I'm not working enough, huh?

I feel control slipping away. I feel trapped. The money is good, I don’t have to clip coupons to grocery shop (which is a good thing because I wouldn’t have time to anyway). [Side note: If I work the hours those guys are working then the money really isn’t all that good. Then I’m making .72 cents an hours] The economy sucks; everyone knows there are no jobs out there so I should be thankful that I have this one, right? I mean why am I being such a whiner, shouldn't’t I buck up and do what has to be done? I am good at my job. I feel like the fight is in my mind. It isn’t that I don’t want to work at all, I just want to have time to have a life.

Is it different for my colleagues because they are men? Don’t they want to see their kids or spouses? Do they feel as trapped as I do, but deal with it differently because of their gender or is it that they don’t want to go home?

I told Dave yesterday that I feel like a slave. I want to have a baby, but I don’t think my body is going to allow me to get pregnant when I am this stressed out. It does not seem conducive to conception or a healthy pregnancy, does it?

I. am. so. tired.

I want to blog about work and the machine men I work with, but every time I try to write about it, I get overwhelmed and erase everything I type.

The short version is that if I don't work 75 hours a week then I am a bad employee.

The long version is a lot longer than that.

On a happy note, my auger showed up today. I'm only minutes away from having ice in my glass again that has not been touched by human hands.

more random thoughts on my drive into work

Why did Drew have to leave the Drew and Mike show? I can't deal with just Mike and this has forced me to start listening to XM Talk Radio on the way to work which results in me being way more informed about politics than I ever wanted to be and as a direct result of that, I have become very negative and convinced that world is going to end soon.

Julia Roberts made her name by playing the "hooker with the heart of gold", why did I like the movie Pretty Woman so much? And what the heck is Julia Roberts doing now? Hmmm, I kind of want to watch Pretty Woman now. Do I have that movie on DVD? I might only have it on VHS. I'm going to have to check when I get home tonight. I know it by heart, I could probably just recite it to myself for entertainment. "Could I get a word other than fine?" "Asshole. There's a word" Oh Lord, I could go on all day with those. I'll spare you.

What is the difference between Communism and Socialism? I thought I knew this, but now I'm not sure. I'll have to research that a little so I can be more informed about politics and feel even worse about the state of things.

I should have gotten a Venti latte instead of a Grande. I don't think this is going to be enough caffeine.

"Bullshit! It's the kill you love! I made you a very rich man doing exactly what you love!" Sorry, I've got Pretty Woman on the brain now.

I wonder if the squirrels will be in the tree again today.

Am I ever going to get the dog poop stains out of the carpet and how much would it cost me to get all the carpet ripped out of the house and replaced with wood floors?

Balls, I'm here.

Short

My day started off cleaning dog poop (and I mean runny poop) off the carpet. That was at 6 am after I had was woken by an insomniac husband from 3:30-4:45 and after I had taken a shower.

Amazingly this was not really the worst event of the day. My team at work dropped the ball majorly on a customer and while not directly my fault, I am their leader and therefore responsible.

I don't think the dog poop stain is coming off the carpet.

Ugh. Calgon take me away!