First of all, something smells in my house and I can't figure out what it is and it is pissing me off. It smells like old toilet water or something. In the past I have traced such a smell to Dave's boots after he has been testing standpipes and the stinky stagnant water has splashed on them.
But the boots have passed muster this time.
So, this is how I have spent my Friday night. Washed the kitchen floor (even though I just got the house cleaned last week), wiped the entire kitchen down with Pine Sol, vacuumed the living room carpet, lit 26 candles, moved my Bath and Body Works plug-in to a plug closer to the kitchen (maybe the plug it was in isn't working), and cried.
I have been cursed with an over developed sense of smell (if you have spent 5 minutes with me you already know this). Smells bug me and I am paranoid of my house being stinky. AHHHHH!
Anyway, I finally had to give up. The only other thing I could do is take all the kitchen chairs out of the kitchen and wash the area rug that is under the kitchen table. I am not doing that tonight.
Okay, so now on to what I really wanted to post about.
The 14 year old living in my house. Dave and I have been married for just over 3 years, so that is how long the kids have been living with me and I feel like I have done this motherhood thing in fast forward with no time to get used to anything. It's a whirlwind.
We got married in the month of June and I have to tell you that I was pretty much stunned the first year. They were 11 and 6. And I was not prepared for the whole school thing. Planning lunches, making sure clothes were clean, homework done, dinner planned, who needs art supplies for a project they forgot to tell me about until the night before, etc.... It was so overwhelming I didn't even have time to process how overwhelming it was. And I wasn't very good at it. I missed orientations, conferences, forgot to sign papers and send them back. The kids were lucky I sent in the order forms for their school pictures or washed their underwear before they had to turn them inside out and wear them twice. I was working full time at work and at home and that first year, quite honestly, is a blur. I don't know how I did it.
So fast forward 3 years and while I am much better at juggling and planning with the school stuff, I have made peace (mostly) with the fact that I am not going to be supermom who goes to the PTO meetings and bakes cupcakes for them to take for their class on birthdays, I at least feel like I am somewhat keeping up.
But Sam, now a teenager and freshman, has started going to football games on Friday night and he wants to go into town with his friends to hang out and now just this past Wednesday has informed us that he is going to the homecoming dance tomorrow night with a date. And I find myself with very mixed feelings about this. But not the ones you would think. I'm right back to not knowing how to balance these new developments and feeling a little resentful that I have to.
I feel like I got thrown into this mother thing (which I suppose I did) and it has snowballed. I feel like I'm too young to have a teenager, even though biologically I am not. I feel resentful that these things are somehow my responsibility and that their mother lives an hour away and gets to deal with what she feels like dealing with and nothing more. I feel like I missed out on a big chunk of what should have been a fun part of raising kids, the sweet baby stage etc and I chastise myself for feeling this way because I knew what I was getting into (well I thought I understood what I was getting into, but how can one understand what one does not have any freaking clue about?)
I'm tired tonight. We had another crazy busy week and the kids mother hasn't taken them for the last two weekends so I have had no break and I wonder if human beings were meant to operate at this pace and I wonder if, for all my complaining about how busy I am, that I would complain I was bored if suddenly I wasn't flying at mach speed all the time.
Does any of this rambling even make any sense? I don't feel like I am articulating what I am reallly feeling.
5 comments:
We had a smell recently and I cried about it too. It turned out my 5 yr. old had put a cup of milk on top of a tall book shelf. I don't know exactly why.
About the other stuff: I think its completely natural for you to have these feelings. Its all so overwhelming. My husband and I married when I already had a son and I imagine he felt whip-lashed too. Our society, magazines ect makes everything look so...timed out and perfect, but it doesn't happen that way a lot of the time. Sometimes I am still a little sad that my husband wasn't with me when I had my first son. I wish I could play it back and he would be sitting there beside me at the hospital.
Anyway, take care and just breath deeply through his first date.
OMG, I'm going through a smell thing right now too. I have torn my house apart trying to find it and can't. It's enough to drive me mad.
As far as the kiddo situation...the feelings you explained sound totally normal. In fact, unless you were some kind of robot, how could you NOT have those feelings? You were totally thrown into the challenging years of motherhood and didn't get to experience the cooey-gooey years. Give yourself more credit my blogging buddy!
In the meantime, I heard that wine helps and maybe a weekend without the kiddos will do wonders. A trip to Chanteau Chantel could be just the answer ;-)
I couldn't agree more. Den and I went from working full time jobs and having money coming out of our ears, to a single income. We planned it accordingly so that I could stay home with the babies when they came. Those were the most precious years of my life. While our cute sweet smelling little infant couldn't move, we were free to have a clean house without a spec of dust to be found anywhere.
Fast forward to 15 minutes before I wrote this. I am in my room which has turned into laundry central. I have about 256 unmatched socks that don't have a mate, but have taken over the top of my dresser. I haven't vacuumed my bedroom floor in weeks either because somehow the spot between our closet and bedroom door has turned into a hamper.
I looked over at a photo of my deceased Grandmother and practically fell apart. She would not believe what a hell hole I am living in now. I can't keep up with jack s***. I am worn out. I feel like the loser of the century too because I can not find a job.
So take it from me. The seasoned, can't seem to keep it together, been home since they have been born mother... You are 100% entitled to feel the way you do. I don't know if I could have taken on what you have. There isn't a perfect way of doing anything, and you went straight from the honeymoon right into Betty Crockerhood with a full time job.
You... are a saint.
You need a girls night out....come on out to New Jersey and we will sit outside and drink wine till we can't walk straight and leave Karl with the kids! Miss you and love you and think you are an ABSOLUTELY AMAZING WOMAN! I am proud and honored to call you my friend and think you are doing a fantastic job.... :)
I felt like motherhood hit me upside the head with a 2x4, and then when I started staying home I felt the same way, and then when Athena started school I felt the same way again. There is soooo much to keep up with. And you're still working full time... no wonder you're overwhelmed.
And a bad smell makes everything so much worse. I have the smell problem too and it pains me how many bad smells I deal with on a daily basis.
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