Dear People on the Fringes of my Life

Dear Mail Carrier,

I appreciate your delivering of my mail every day (except Sundays and Holidays and while we are on the subject why do I have to work Presidents Day and MLK day when you do not?). And I also appreciate the fact that it is possible that some folks do not keep the area surrounding their mailbox in good shape. However, my mailbox is unblocked and there is nothing keeping you from pulling right up next to it. So, would it be possible that you not hurl my mail in such a way that it is thrust all the way to the far back of the mailbox? I drive a tiny Chevy Malibu and even though I have very long limbs, it is nearly impossible for me to reach the mail from my vehicle unless I hang halfway out the window and even then one piece of mail inevitably falls out of the stack and onto the ground where the wind picks it up and carries it halfway across the neighborhood. Thanks.

Dear Parent of other teenager in the Neighborhood,

When our kids have a verbal conflict, could you please pick up the phone and call me first to discuss before you call the State Police? I promise you that 99.9% of the time we will resolve the conflict on our own. I really don’t appreciate having a 7 foot tall police officer ringing my doorbell during dinner. Thanks.

Dear 4th grade Teacher,

I got your e-mail with the link to the United States 50 States quiz and I took it myself to see if I am smarter than a 4th grader. It turns out that I am not as I made silly mistakes like mixing up Arizona and New Mexico. I also could not remember where Iowa, New Hampshire, Connecticut and Massachusetts were (and I could not spell Massachusetts if my life depended on it). I promise you that I will keep studying and so will my 4th grader. We are a family eager to learn. Thanks.


Yours Truly,

Melanie

PS if any of you want to try out your United States States skills, click here.

Friday morning rant

Please allow me to rant this morning. It is Friday and has been a long week and I spend too much time in the car listening to talk radio and am stressed out on the verge of major decisions in my life. And I haven’t slept enough.

Here are the things that have me ranting this morning.

#1 I read an article this morning about how the state of Michigan is going to have to cancel 100 road projects originally slated for 2011 because they are experiencing a shortfall of $84 million dollars in their budget. Really? Could it be because half the state is unemployed and people are leaving the state in droves and the city of Detroit is a shadow of its once booming self? Is it me or when your income is reduced, you should also reduce your spending? It seems obvious to me that the state would have to cut some spending somewhere to make up for the loss of revenue. Not rocket science. It just seems like everything I turn around I am reading about another local government that is bankrupt or on the verge of it. The state of California, the city of Detroit. Come on, how hard is this concept? Less money coming in, less money going out.

#2 President Obama said in a speech this week that at some point some people have made “enough money.” Can someone tell me how much is enough money? Because I’ve got to tell you, I don’t think I will ever have enough money. I understand that some people have more money than I could even ever imagine, but oh fucking well. Maybe Michigan should confiscate some of that money to pay for the $84 million shortfall in their road construction budget. That would be the fairest thing to do, I mean you should see some of the houses around here. They’re huge and the people living in them are obviously gluttons and have more money than they know what to do with.

#3 Right now, there is a case going on in the county I live in where a 4 year old boy was beaten to death over the course of 4 days by his mother’s live-in boyfriend as a punishment for wetting his pants while sitting on the couch. It turns out that not only had the mother come and gone from the apartment over the course of the beatings, but several other people had as well and while a couple of them mentioned that she should take the boy to the hospital, none of them called the police or 911 or anything (including the mother). It makes me ill. Both the boyfriend and the mother are being charged with murder, but the defense attorney for the guy is running around saying that he (the pos boyfriend) is actually a schizophrenic and that the county knew about it and that they didn’t do anything to help. And now the attorney for the mother is asking for her to have a psych evaluation (to see if she is fit to stand trial). Both of these individuals have multiple drug convictions in their past and apparently one of the reasons that the mother didn’t want to take the boy to the hospital is because she didn’t want her parole officer to find out that she had moved. So my rant about this is that obviously both people are some sort of mentally disturbed, but the bottom line is that he barbarically beat a little boy to death (just to horrify you further, he burned the boys hands and feet, kicked him in the abdomen and head and poked his eyes and I’m guessing there is more detail that hasn’t been released yet) and the mother out of whatever sort of fucked up self-absorption or apathy or drug haze stood by and did nothing about it. So, let’s stop this crap with the “why oh why did these people do this?” and get on with their trial. Quite frankly, I don’t really care if they are both crazy as loons, they killed a little boy. Put them away and throw away the key and be done with it.

And, that’s all I have to say about that.

A Public Service Announcement

People of the world.

Just because something is in fashion does not mean that it looks good on you.

Thank you for your time.

Laundry list

First of all, did you know that Panera Bread does not have ranch dressing? Yes, I found this out yesterday. I guess it isn’t cool enough (actually that is me editorializing. I don’t know why they don’t carry it and the 15 year old who was taking my order didn’t have a clue)

Second of all, I am t-i-r-e-d today. Mainly because I stayed up past my bedtime on Sunday night and it is now catching up with me. I should have treated myself to a triple this morning, but I wanted to hurry up and get to work before the snow started. I am figuring the kids won’t have school tomorrow and I am planning on staying home with them if that happens.

#3 I am dreaming of somewhere warm, and it isn’t Michigan.

#4 I am not going to be able to buy new pants for at least a year or however long it takes for the ridiculous skinny legs to go out of fashion again. I refuse to buy them. I refuse, I refuse, I refuse. I hate them and they are ugly and you can call me a fashion reject for saying it. Banana Republic, are you listening to me? All your pants this year are UGLY. Please bring back the wider leg and you could throw some cuffs at me, that would be great.

#5 Is it bizarre that we use our grill all year round? Yes I stand in my garage in 10 degree weather and grill.

Not so excited about January so far

This month hasn't been the greatest so far. With our vacation and the holidays in December, I felt like I worked part-time (probably because I basically did work part-time).

So when January started, I told myself it was back to the grind time. I was meal-planning a week at a time, getting back into the groove at work, keeping the house clean. I was refreshed from having so much time off last month.

But of course, it only took me about 1 week to remember why I hate my job. And then I got called for Jury Duty. And then my grandma got really really sick and I had to drive 3 hours one way in a blizzard so I could see her before she passed. And then she didn't pass (but it has been touch and go and I am convinced that doctors know nothing) and I got stuck on two (yes two) jury trials that I have to go back for at the end of the month.

Then yesterday was Dave's birthday, but my boss (who is never in town) was in town and I had a bunch of meetings so I didn't get home until later than I wanted to. And we were supposed to go out for a very nice dinner tonight and my mom called me this morning to tell me that my grandma is indeed dying and they don't expect her to make it through the weekend. So dinner is cancelled and I feel terrible.

And then I started thinking of everything that is on my plate at work this coming week and I figure I am going to be out at least 1 or 2 days for the funeral and there is this huge meeting where a bunch of people are flying in and what if I have to miss it. I know you are probably thinking, who cares about work when there are family issues to be tended to? And that is mostly how I feel, but honestly I have been so unengaged at work that I was already feeling guilty about it so while I could care less about missing the meeting, I feel guilty about not caring. Does that even make sense?

I really am over January. Really. And it is only the 16th.

Another another Customer Service Rant

Does it bug anyone else when you are eating at a sit down restaurant and after you are finished eating but before the server has even brought your bill, they are cleaning off your table? I don't mean removing a few plates that you are finished with or empty drink glasses when they bring you a fresh drink to make more room on the table. I mean the server is standing at your table taking every last piece of everything off of it while you are sitting there trying to have a conversation with whoever it is that you are eating with? It annoys the crap out of me. "Go away server. I'm trying to have a conversation that does not concern you." You can clean the table off after I'm gone.

What ever happened to bus boys?

An while we're on that subject, what ever happened to the baggers at the grocery store? Why do I have to bag my own groceries or sit there and wait while the cashier bags everything which takes twice as long and usually results in my bread being bagged with my raw chicken and a bottle of Windex? I know I have complained before about having to ring up my own groceries which I now refuse to do unless Dave is with me so he can bag, but this is the next worst thing. So let me get this straight, I am paying twice as much for most of my groceries as I did two years ago and now I have to either ring it up and bag it all by myself or I have to suffer my bread to be soaked in salmonella juice?

Victoria's Secret is Stalking Me

I bought two things from their catalogue and now I get 1-2 catalogues in the mail every day and at least 3 e-mails from them every day.

Even Dave is getting sick of looking at the catalogues.

What kind of marketing plan is that?

Hats Off

My hat is off to Tom Daschle for doing the right thing by taking himself out of the running for the director of the Health and Human Services department.

A leader cannot lead if he is up to his eyeballs in controversy And a true leader is more concerned about the well-being of his people than himself. Unlike, someone else who I won't name that let his scandal drag on for a year to the detriment to his city, Tom Daschle showed some real class by bowing out even though he probably would have been confirmed.

I'm impressed.

Now for all you hooligans who publicly supported him saying that this was just all a mistake and misunderstanding, thanks for reinforcing my opinion that Washington DC is full of good old boys who would do anything to stay in the good graces of their party.

Buttheads.

These are the things I'm thinking about today.

My apologies, I did not sit down with the intent to write a post about any sort of politics, it just sort of evolved into that. But the more I think about this, the more I am mad about it. So I figured I'd let it rip......I'll try to be funny and witty again tomorrow.

Tom Daschle and Michael Phelps.

Let's start with Tom Daschle. Oops I forgot to pay my taxes? I want to know if that excuse would fly for me if I lied about my taxes. I mean, I would be sorry and embarrassed too, so would that make it okay? What if I just "forgot" to show up for work for a couple weeks? As long as I was sorry and promised to make it up by working double shifts, would they not fire me? Would I be deserving of a promotion?

And Michael Phelps. How stupid are you to let someone take your picture smoking a bong? But don't worry, you're still a cash cow so none of your endorsement deals will be cancelled. As long as you have lots of money, no one cares what you do. Of course, even stupider (it's a word okay?) would be to go and get fat like Jessica Simpson. Then you would lose your endorsement deals.

Okay, so as I'm writing this, I realize I am less concerned about Michael Phelps and his stupid bong and I want to talk about Tom Daschle. Well, all politicians, really. And I'm sorry for you Bill Clinton lovers, but I'm going to rip on him in a second. Am I the only one who is sick and freaking tired of our politicians being liars, cheats and sexual deviants? Let's see, Bill Clinton was getting blow jobs in the Oval Office from an INTERN, then there was Larry Craig cruising the bathroom for some gay sex, and Eliot Spizter banging high class hookers, and what's his face sending sex text messages to a 16 year old boy, and what's his face, I can't even remember his name, who was married to a woman but having anonymous gay sex at rest stops or sex clubs or something like that, and the mayor of Detroit using his city pager to send steamy sex text messages to his Chief of Staff while he was married and then using city money and resources to cover it up and there are probably 12 more I'm not thinking of. Oh! The mayor Portland who was getting it on with one of his male interns and then lied about it. Am I mistaken or is having sex with a subordinate not where the birth of sexual harassment occurred? Is no one else sick of this? I can't even have the news on in our house without feeling like I should shoo the kids out of the room because it's a sex scandal story and then a gruesome murder story and then another sex scandal story and another gruesome murder story. Over and over and over again.

Sexual deviants aside, what about the tax evaders? Tom Daschle is the second one I've heard in the news of late. Why is this okay? I'm sure he'll go on to be confirmed to be Health Secretary or whatever it is. Right, because he's sorry. Oh, and it was unintentional. Does it matter what his intentions were? HE DIDN'T"T PAY HIS TAXES. Let's give him a job overseeing one of the biggest cluster bleeps this country has ever seen, health care. Are you telling me there isn't someone else who is qualified that has paid all his taxes, the first time around?

Whatever happened to, "Don't do the crime if you can't do the time?"

These are our politicians. They are the people who make the laws, but they can't follow them? They can't be faithful to one person or follow the laws regarding not having sex with a minor? Why is this okay? Doesn't this speak to a person's moral compass? Shouldn't they be the people who are held to the highest standards and beyond reproach? Piss on this. I'm so disgusted. This is why I hate politics. This is why I hate politicians. And if President Obama is serious about having a transparent administration, then he should make an example of these a-holes and nominate someone else.

I hold my kids to a higher standard than these guys are and they don't have anyone else's interests at heart.

Another Customer Service Rant

Okay, first of all I have been eating soooo bad the past week or so. Let's just establish that before I go any further in this post. I have to admit that other than last night, my family has eaten out every night this week. I'm ashamed to admit it but it's true. I blame winter and let's just leave it at that.

Now, on to my rant.

I left the relative warmth of my office today to run up to Arby's and grab some grub. It is one of the few places around here that has a drive through and while fast food is not at the top of my list, probably because of all the other crap I've been eating this week that is full of high fructose corn syrup and hydrogenated shortening that makes you crave more junk food, sounded good. So I go to the drive through and order a beef 'n cheddar, get my order and come back to the office.

I just down at my desk with my sandwich, my space heater is blaring and my toes are starting to warm back up and I just opened the sandwich.

It was made with two butt pieces of the bun. You know how the beef 'n cheddar comes on a nice fat onion bun? Not this one. It's two butt pieces with not one piece of onion on it. Then when I took it apart the roast beef is crusty. Like either it sat out under the heat lamp for 3 days or it was the butt end of the roast beef. And, on top of that, it smells kind of gross. I'm so grossed out right now that I want to take the sandwich back to Arby's and bitch them out. I mean really, what would posses a person to make a sandwich with two butt pieces of bread? But, I'm torn, because it's freezing outside, and it's 12:30 which means there will be 1,000 peeps in line and it's freezing outside.

So the sandwich is sitting here in the bag on my desk. And I'm not sure what to do with it.

Short

My day started off cleaning dog poop (and I mean runny poop) off the carpet. That was at 6 am after I had was woken by an insomniac husband from 3:30-4:45 and after I had taken a shower.

Amazingly this was not really the worst event of the day. My team at work dropped the ball majorly on a customer and while not directly my fault, I am their leader and therefore responsible.

I don't think the dog poop stain is coming off the carpet.

Ugh. Calgon take me away!

I want you to know that I now have another smoke detector chirping in my house. This would be the third one since Friday. And while we went to the store with 9volt batteries on our list but could not find them in our newly remodeled and rearranged Meijer. So we forgot. Until just now.

We are sitting on the couch, Dave is reading, I was surfing, the kids are spending the night at their granny's because they don't have school tomorrow. It's our quiet wind down time and then,

Chirp (my battery is dying)

Dave starts looking for the ladder as I frantically start pawing through the junk drawer in hopes of finding a forgotten 9volt battery buried in the rubble. Which I did not find.

Chirp (if your house burns downs, I won't work, but I can still chirp)
Chirp.

That smoke detector is currently wrapped in a towel in a box in our garage and covered with one of the kids pairs of snow pants. His brother across the hall is also wrapped in a towel in the box. Guilt by association.

Tomorrow I'll tell you a tale that begins with a bag of frozen smelt and ends with a broken ice maker.

Okay, So I will tell you this one work story

It's pretty not work related so, I guess I can share it.

Yesterday I walked into this "guys" office. He was in there working with another "guy". Let's call them Hector and Achillies. Why not? It's my story. Now I can be entertained when I see them at work tomorrow.

Anyway, It's Hector's office, but Achillies has his laptop set up in there and he has this really nifty power supply. I'm instantly drawn to it because it's small. Perfect size to fit in my new Christmas present laptop bag that is awesome but won't fit a lot of stuff. I've been actually going sans power supply and that hasn't been working out so well. So I say to Achillies, "Sweet power supply. Where'd you get that!?" And he says, "You want it, take it."

Pause.

First of all Achillies is usually an asshole and likes to keep the good stuff for himself, so I find this strange. Second of all, I'm puzzled. Am I supposed to say, "Cool, thanks!" and then rip the power supply that is currently plugged into his laptop, out of his laptop and take off with it? I did not know how to proceed. It was weird.

And he told me to take it twice. Double weird.

Then I looked down where the power supply was laying and I saw this cheap little black tote bag laying there next to it. Maybe he thought I was talking about the cheap little tote bag (which if I had turned it over, probably had my company logo on it. Something we call a schmoogie). Even though I said specifically the power supply was small and cool. Perhaps he really wasn't listening to me.

Yeah, that explanation makes much more sense. I think.

Subject: Hannah Montana

I hate Hannah Montana and if I have to listen to her CD one more time, it is not going to be pretty.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Patience is a Virtue I Don't Possess

I've been trying to update my frickin frackin blog for 4 days now and I'm having some serious issues with blogger.

So, for the time being, you are all stuck with the Thanksgiving background and my stinky attitude.

My apologies - here's the short update.

We had a nice relaxing Thanksgiving and the time off ended way too soon. I hate my job more than ever this week and I'm actually a little jealous that Val got to quit hers while I still have to suffer through mine. As stated above, I am not a patient person and am ready to move into the next phase of my life (that is a discussion for another post). We put our Christmas tree up, or should I say, I put our Christmas tree up on Sunday so I'm feeling all Christmasy and I want to sit in my living room and just stare at it all the time.

Okay, so that's all for now. I'm going to try and get this silly blog updated tonight and get a proper post up.....

Standby.

Have you ever known a person who you knew for a fact was not very nice, or you work with a person who is an expert at tooting their own horn but in fact does no actual work? But you are the only one who seems to notice this? Everyone else thinks this person is wonderful? So you start questioning your sanity? Maybe you are just a negative person who only sees the bad in people?

Is this just me or has anyone else experienced this?

Bathroom Rant

Bathroom etiquette. It seems to be an ever changing animal.

Does it bother anyone else/has anyone else ever encountered any of the following scenarios in a public bathroom?

#1 You walk in a there is a woman pumping her breasts right out in the open (both breasts completely exposed)

#2 You walk in and there is a woman standing there talking on her cell phone. And I don't mean a quick, "Hi, I'm in the bathroom let me call you back". I mean a full fledged conversation like she is sitting in her living room.

#3 You walk into the bathroom and there is a woman in one of the stalls talking on her cell phone. It takes you a minute to realize she is not talking to you because you can only hear one side of the conversation and the first thing you hear her say is, "You're kidding, why did he think that!?" And you are thinking, "Is she talking to me?"

#4 You walk into the bathroom and there is a woman standing there pumping her breasts (both breasts completely exposed) and she is talking on her cell phone!?

I don't know about you, but I find it very difficult to pee when someone is having a conversation on their cell phone right next to where I am trying to pee. The above scenarios have all happened to me in the past 6 months. Now granted, the breast pumping has only occurred in the bathroom where I work, but still we're talking about a building of 200 people. And, we have a stall with a nice chair in it where you can pump your breasts in private. I don't understand these things. I don't want everyone (even other women who I might know casually from work) seeing my breasts - I don't think that is only because I've never had a baby. But those of you who have had babies, what do you think? I also try not to answer my cell phone while in the bathroom and if there is a call I must take, I high tail it out of the bathroom or I tell the person I will call them right back.

Am I just uptight?

Sleeping

I love sleeping. I love sleeping in. I live for Saturday and Sunday and avoid early weekend plans if I can at all help it. (mind you, sleeping in for me is 9:00am)

I also love sleeping in an ice cold room. And this week it has been the most amazing weather-hot during the day and nice and cool at night. So I usually crank up the window fan to high and let the room get frigid. I love snuggling into the covers while the fresh air blows over the bed.

The only problem with this is that my husband hates it. In his mind it is summer and we should let the room be a little warm and enjoy the season. He wants me to leave the window fan off at night. And he decided to bring this up yesterday morning before I had any coffee.

I was seriously considering sleeping the spare bedroom last night(but I didn't). That's how much I hate sleeping in a hot room. What can I say? I'm a princess.

Movies Not to See Unless You Enjoy Feeling Suicidal

I Am Legend (My alternate title - I Love Dogs (that is why I hated this movie))

PS I Love You (My alternate title - Why, why, why, would you put yourself through this? And PS - I hate this movie)

There Will be Blood (My title - There will be boredom)

Beaches (My title - Beach-bawling)

Steel Magnolias (My title - Where can I find a beauty shop like this? )

Terms of Endearment (My title - Seriously, people think watching this is enjoyment?)

Are you kidding me?

I saw in the headlines today, the entertainment headlines that is, that Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong are now an item.

Seriously. Didn't she just break up with Owen Wilson. Again?

Am I alone when I say that I am exasperated with Hollywood stars jumping around from bed to bed to bed like the popular crowd in high school? And I am supposed to accept this as mainstream? Do I want my children to think it is normal and okay to meet, marry, make babies (not always in that order) with someone only to call it quits two years into it and move on to the next person, make some babies with them and so on?

It makes me so crazy. So I'm inventing a new variation on an old game. Ever heard of "Six degrees of Kevin Bacon" which is based on "Six Degrees of Separation"? It is the idea that people are separated from everyone else by only six people. Well, my game is called "Six Degrees of Sex-peration." Can you link the Hollywood stars to other Hollywood stars in six stars or less? I'll start:

Jennifer Aniston and Julia Roberts (an easy one-I'll admit)

Jennifer Aniston slept with Tate Donovan
Tate Donovan slept with Sandra Bullock
Sandra Bullock slept with Benjamin Bratt
Benjamin Bratt slept with Julia Roberts
Bam! They've all slept with each other one way or another.