I'm a Girl. I Cry.

Is this something to be ashamed of? My husband thinks that crying makes women weaker than men. I contend it makes us stronger. And it's a lot better than kicking something or punching something.

The problem is that I work in a very male dominated industry. In fact, every single one of my colleagues is male. There are women in our office also, but none in my department and none in my same job. So I try very hard to be tough like a man. You know, swear and yell and throw things when I'm mad instead of curling up in a ball and cry like I really want to. I'll tell you, I'm a pretty tough girl at work, but some days, I just want to cry!

Today was one of those days. The days I live in fear of. The day I am horrified as my throat starts to tighten and my eyes start to well up with tears and I make a mad dash to the bathroom or my car. I'm just having a stressful week. Things are always extremely busy in August and I just got maxed out. I was closer to the bathroom then my car when it happened (the same bathroom where the breast pumping goes on) and so I ducked in there. And then I was trapped. Because this was a particularly violent and long cry (probably because I was trying to keep it in for two days) and even after I calmed down, my eyes were bright red. They were so red it made me start crying again when I saw them a realized I was trapped in the bathroom.

But I cannot let my boss or my peers seem me with a bright red Christmas bulb nose and puffy, wet eyes. What would they think of me? They would know I am a girl and they might start treating me different. And they might think I'm using my sex to gain sympathy. And they might think I'm weak.

So I hid out in the bathroom for a half hour and then slunk back to my desk as fast as I could, hoping upon hope that I would not pass anyone on the way back. It was ridiculous.

Sigh. Sometimes I miss just being a girl. So I came home and found a spider and made Dave kill it for me!

Golf is a Stupid Game

And I remember now why I quit playing it.

Gremlins

Okay, what is going on? First Val's fridge, then Mandy's computer and now my washing machine just went on the blink. Of course it died with a full load of soaking wet clothes in it. So now I'm on my way to my mom's house to finish the soaking wet load of clothes so it doesn't rot while I wait for a repairman. Because of course today is Sunday and I can't even call for service until tomorrow. Did I mention this is the second time the thing has died in the last 6 months? And it's only two years old?

Ugh. I was planning on staying home all day, finishing the laundry and relaxing before going back to work tomorrow. Bah!

Bathroom Rant

Bathroom etiquette. It seems to be an ever changing animal.

Does it bother anyone else/has anyone else ever encountered any of the following scenarios in a public bathroom?

#1 You walk in a there is a woman pumping her breasts right out in the open (both breasts completely exposed)

#2 You walk in and there is a woman standing there talking on her cell phone. And I don't mean a quick, "Hi, I'm in the bathroom let me call you back". I mean a full fledged conversation like she is sitting in her living room.

#3 You walk into the bathroom and there is a woman in one of the stalls talking on her cell phone. It takes you a minute to realize she is not talking to you because you can only hear one side of the conversation and the first thing you hear her say is, "You're kidding, why did he think that!?" And you are thinking, "Is she talking to me?"

#4 You walk into the bathroom and there is a woman standing there pumping her breasts (both breasts completely exposed) and she is talking on her cell phone!?

I don't know about you, but I find it very difficult to pee when someone is having a conversation on their cell phone right next to where I am trying to pee. The above scenarios have all happened to me in the past 6 months. Now granted, the breast pumping has only occurred in the bathroom where I work, but still we're talking about a building of 200 people. And, we have a stall with a nice chair in it where you can pump your breasts in private. I don't understand these things. I don't want everyone (even other women who I might know casually from work) seeing my breasts - I don't think that is only because I've never had a baby. But those of you who have had babies, what do you think? I also try not to answer my cell phone while in the bathroom and if there is a call I must take, I high tail it out of the bathroom or I tell the person I will call them right back.

Am I just uptight?

Blog Hiatus

After a month, I'm sure the four people that read this blog are wondering what the heck happened to me. I wish I could say it has been a relaxing and refreshing month, but that wouldn't be true.

In the true tradition of life, things do not seem to become simpler as time goes by and this most certainly applies to my life. Good things are happening, don't get me wrong. Dave's business is taking off. He's doing so well and I'm so proud of him. But he's been working. A lot. And I'm working. A lot. And I've been thrown into a level of parenting for which I was somewhat unprepared. With a now teenager in the house and an 8 year old who thinks she is a teenager, I've started experiencing some feelings that confused me. Let's say they center around frustration and then guilt. And I lost myself for a few days there. Shut down. Took to my room. Not sure what to do. I had to find my center again. And I did not have the energy or the wherewith all to write about it.

But I am happy to report that I found my center again. I bought a couple books on step-parenting that made me feel so much better. They helped me to realize that a lot of what I have been feeling is normal. Thank God, I'm always quick to think I'm a circus freak and not like anyone else in the world. I talked about it instead of trying to sort it all out myself in my own head. What a journey.

So, I'm back. The kids are at their mom's for the next week giving me a much needed break (it's okay to say that I need a break). I remembered that I'm not going to be perfect, as much as I want to be. I'm meeting up with Val on Friday for our annual trip to Milford Memories. Some new opportunities have revealed themselves in my career. It is beautiful outside today. And I'm back.

Did you miss me?

Senioritis

Long ago when I was a college student and an English major (neither of which I was really all that good at), I found that, in the last semester of my senior year I developed something they call "Senioritis." I had a lot of papers to write that semester and I found myself sitting at my computer the night before said papers were due just starting blankly at the monitor thinking, "I don't want to do this, I don't want to do this, I don't want to do this." And the next thing I knew, it would be 2 a.m. and I had written one paragraph of a 15 page paper. Oh, it is a terrible thing to be stricken with senioritis.

If you look Google this word, most websites will tell you that it usually applies to high school students. I seriously disagree and postulate that senioritis can affect anyone at anytime period in her life. When I say her, I mean me. I'm supposed to be revising my revenue forecast for my boss right now and I find myself sitting here thinking, "I don't want to do this, I don't want to do this, I don't want to do this." Since I've never been much of a planner, always more of a fly by the seat of my pants kind of girl, is it any wonder I don't enjoy forecasting? Especially when it involves numbers and I was an ENGLISH MAJOR!?? (with a WRITING minor) (and when I say WRITING, I mean poems and stories)

Sometimes I feel like I am just a big faker and that one day everyone I work with is going to realize that I don't know what the heck I am doing and that I am not in the least bit qualified for my job and then they are going to take it away from me. See? This is what happens when you get Senioritis and you aren't in school anymore. It's an ugly thing people. And ugly thing.

Sleeping

I love sleeping. I love sleeping in. I live for Saturday and Sunday and avoid early weekend plans if I can at all help it. (mind you, sleeping in for me is 9:00am)

I also love sleeping in an ice cold room. And this week it has been the most amazing weather-hot during the day and nice and cool at night. So I usually crank up the window fan to high and let the room get frigid. I love snuggling into the covers while the fresh air blows over the bed.

The only problem with this is that my husband hates it. In his mind it is summer and we should let the room be a little warm and enjoy the season. He wants me to leave the window fan off at night. And he decided to bring this up yesterday morning before I had any coffee.

I was seriously considering sleeping the spare bedroom last night(but I didn't). That's how much I hate sleeping in a hot room. What can I say? I'm a princess.