I'm a Girl. I Cry.

Is this something to be ashamed of? My husband thinks that crying makes women weaker than men. I contend it makes us stronger. And it's a lot better than kicking something or punching something.

The problem is that I work in a very male dominated industry. In fact, every single one of my colleagues is male. There are women in our office also, but none in my department and none in my same job. So I try very hard to be tough like a man. You know, swear and yell and throw things when I'm mad instead of curling up in a ball and cry like I really want to. I'll tell you, I'm a pretty tough girl at work, but some days, I just want to cry!

Today was one of those days. The days I live in fear of. The day I am horrified as my throat starts to tighten and my eyes start to well up with tears and I make a mad dash to the bathroom or my car. I'm just having a stressful week. Things are always extremely busy in August and I just got maxed out. I was closer to the bathroom then my car when it happened (the same bathroom where the breast pumping goes on) and so I ducked in there. And then I was trapped. Because this was a particularly violent and long cry (probably because I was trying to keep it in for two days) and even after I calmed down, my eyes were bright red. They were so red it made me start crying again when I saw them a realized I was trapped in the bathroom.

But I cannot let my boss or my peers seem me with a bright red Christmas bulb nose and puffy, wet eyes. What would they think of me? They would know I am a girl and they might start treating me different. And they might think I'm using my sex to gain sympathy. And they might think I'm weak.

So I hid out in the bathroom for a half hour and then slunk back to my desk as fast as I could, hoping upon hope that I would not pass anyone on the way back. It was ridiculous.

Sigh. Sometimes I miss just being a girl. So I came home and found a spider and made Dave kill it for me!

Corporate America

I was supposed to get married young, have a fairytale marriage, produce a several babies, stay home and raise them, all the while loving every minute of it.

That didn't happen.

I got married at 30, inherited 2 partially grown kiddies, and have been dutifully riding the rat train every day for the past 10 years (yes 10 years). Funny how things don't go the way you plan. Well, I don't know about you, but things rarely go the way I plan.

I received a promotion at work about 3 months ago. Today I found out that my new boss is now my old boss due to the fact that he has been "reassigned" which is a nice way of saying he was demoted. According to old boss, he had a one-on-one with his manager in February in which he was informed all was well. Then three weeks later on a Friday afternoon, they dropped the bomb on him and asked him what job he would like if he was going to stay with the company. Do I have to tell you that he is peeved? NO. I don't know if old boss deserves this demotion; I have only been working with him for 3 months. Nor do I know if new boss is deserving of the promotion. I know of him, but do not know him. However, these are the kind of things that make employees nervous. They start wondering if they are next. The climate around the office changes. People start sending CYA emails like crazy. They start checking in with their boss when they go to the bathroom to pee (this is a serious problem for coffee drinkers like me-one travel mug of coffee = 2 trips to the bathroom - minimum). Or worse, they take their cell phone into the bathroom, and answer it! You know who you are public bathroom cell phone answerers!

This sort of things has become the norm in my corporate world. I'm wondering if I am going to be expected to subscribe to this line of thinking. Or worse yet, is my soul slowly leaking out my right ear and I'm not even noticing. Can you be a kind and good-hearted person and still be a successful rat?